The 9 Months Of Hell- No, Not Pregnancy

Editor's note: Thank you Caitlyn for sharing your hopeful journey of overcoming the challenges associated with mental wellbeing. 


The last nine months of my life have been hell. And no, I have not been pregnant. Nine months is the time it took for me to lose my mind, find it again, and realize that no, I do not want to die. In October of 2017, I started having bad anxiety, which was a new experience for me; anxiety that was helped only slightly by medication. October was also the month of my first admission to the crisis stabilization unit in my town.

In October, I had a full time job, was a full time student, and lived on my own. I was vibrant and had a personality, but I also suffered from bipolar disorder. My first admission was scary but necessary.

November was the month of my second admission to this unit for suicidal ideations and anxiety. Nevertheless, I managed to finish my first semester of university. Then, in February, I had my third admission into the crisis unit for the same reason: suicidal ideations and anxiety. That's when I decided that maybe the unit wasn't the place suited for me, so I committed myself to a psych ward about two hours of drive away from home. This choice terrified me. I stayed in the psych ward for a week, and thought I got the help I needed. Fast forward to March, I moved in with a friend and had my first and second suicide attempts. This led to another involuntary stay in the psych ward. While I was in the ward, my friend got us evicted, so I moved in with my aunt and her family. Things got slightly better, but then came June.


In June, I went to the crisis unit for the fourth time, got discharged, and tried to take my own life for the third time. Something clicked as I waited for the results of my blood work to see if I permanently damaged my heart: I decided that I do not want to die. Now, I've adjusted my work and school schedules, I’m still living with my aunt, and I’m planning for the future. My friends and family have been really amazing, and my employer has been beyond patient. I am more than grateful to have them in my life. And even though it took me nine months to realize it, I hope to inspire others that there is, indeed, hope.

- Caitlyn
Steinback, MB, Canada

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